in the end it all works out.

theletdown

I now consider myself lucky for having J in my life.

He's really the most caring and loving human being I have ever met, seriously.

But I just can't love him because I don't want to hurt such a kind heart.

I remember when we had a retreat at Tagaytay and of course me and my friend smuggled alocohol and pursued a drinking session in which I got horridly drunk.

In short, J cleaned up my puke, cleaned me up and I slept in his room.

The next morning, I was a spectacle to all the other guys in my class because I was sleeping in his room. But, because he IS J, they didn't suspect that we slept together. Apparently, they all stared at me from the door in the room.

He is like that- nice to have around, but I can't imagine sleeping with him.

For God's sake, he's a virgin and I don't want to have to teach him.

----

Last night, me and my sister walked around the block ten times, talking about everything and nothing at all. It was refreshing. I could tell her anything and it would all be fine. Just fine.

I am lucky to have such an understanding little sister (or little brother, actually).

---

I am lucky to have one of the greatest doctors I know- my psychiatrist, Dr. LB.

He really made me better, by some mysterious, unknown way.

I am now stable on 10mg Abilify, 2mg Akineton, 150mg Lamictal and 100mg Seroquel (prn).

---

And here's a secret: I do fall haphazardly towards an unnameable center to which I cling.

I am stupid like that.

For a long time, their typical description of me was "cold, detached and pretty."

Now, I'm a conversationalist with a zest for life.

How lucky I am to have changed so much.

theletdown

"What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?"

----

Had a pretty packed weekend, meeting up with friends and going to a party.

I met my best friend from college, C, at Greenbelt and we had dinner at Madison.

The best lamb shank I have ever tasted. Really meat falling off the bones. Yum.

I plan to bring my sister there, as she's a real gourmet lover.

---

On Sunday, my aunts and cousins will be coming over for a grill party here at home.

They're also bringing beer and vodka.

Oh, how I love my relatives on the father side. They're so carefree and all.

J is coming too, and sleeping over here in our house (not beside me ha).

---

I'm okay.

I'm not trapped anymore in a world where if no guy pursues me, then I feel worthless.

I don't anymore. Not at all.

In fact, I don't give a damn if I stay single for a long time.

(ie I don't need to have sex for a long period of time too.)

---

Jogged today, then did Tae Bo.

I suspect that my muscles will ache tomorrow- but I love that feeling anyhow.

theletdown

Had a great night last night, meeting up with friends.

It was 2 AM when K was walking me home, talking about absolutely anything under the sun (or moon).

At Starbucks, I saw U's sister, and she said I should eat more because I lost some weight again.

I do not believe her.

I will perpetually be the fat girl, no matter what anybody says.

----

Somtimes, I get so tired of the way people interact with me.

There's always something they're not saying.

theletdown

After bottle after bottle of beer, we come to the same conclusion: P.

It's his face that I see flashing before my eyes.

It's his scent that lingers in the forgotten refuge of my senses.

It's his laugh that brightens up my rigid heart.

Oh, Peter, what is it with you?

Why can't I ever let you go?

I should've said what I wanted to say years ago: I love you.

Fuck these reflexes. Fuck these habits.

I hate myself for making you a reflex; for making sure that every turn of my tortuous mind means you. And only you.

theletdown

I'm afraid of giving in; afraid of being loved too much.

Why?

Cause I'm not used to undying devotion.

I'm not used to the honest look in his eyes.

I'm not used to the infinite kindness that he shows me and my family.

I'm one fucked up girl, I know, and so why is he still here?

---

I've managed to evade being psychotic since I got discharged.

Though bloody and sordid images of cutting myself still invade my mind, all I can do is decide not to do it.

They're losing their saliency, bit by bit.

I'm still on my antipsychotic, anti-parkinson's and mood stabilizer and it looks like my psychiatrist is not planning to take me off them any time soon.

I asked him why I must be on antipsychotics and he said "eh, what happens to you when you're not on them?"

Fine.

Fine.

---

I can't wait to get back to med school after my one year hiatus.

I miss my friends.

I miss studying all night for an exam.

Heck, I even miss sleeping in class.

Haha.

theletdown

I hate you because you love me.

I hate you because I don't see why you insist on being kind to me after all the things I did to you.

I hate you for telling me to drink my medicine, not to forget to eat and not to worry.

I hate you because I don't want to hurt you.

I hate you because you insist on melting my icy heart and invading the wreckage that I am.

I hate you because I can't stand to hurt you all over again.

So what should I do now?

theletdown

"... but he's so ugly..." they told me about M.

'I don't care,' I said, 'because I love him'.

Even my psychiatrist chastised me for being with someone who was not gwapo.

What the hell.

I'm sorry but now I see their point.

---

A friend of mine from rehab, Ivan, is missing.

Then a friend of his messaged me in Facebook, telling me not to trust the guy because he apprently stole 60,000 worth of stuff from his house.

Who do I believe then?

I don't know Ivan's friend at all...

---

I'm jogging later with JT. Actually I'm passing time lang, waiting for her to come around at 8 am.

My body clock is still set at rehab time. I wake up at 5:30 AM everyday. And I'm hungry by 6.

---

Rehab is such an experience. I will never forget the various characters I met there. Never forget them, I swear...

I'm seeing my psychiatrist later.

I have to get another box of Abilify for 30 days- 8,000 pesos down my throat again.

theletdown

At 5:30 AM, I went down to Mercury drugstore to watch the dawn. I loved it. I was alone, and it was serene watching the stars gradually fade into the purple-orange canvas of the sky.

Little things like that really bring me joy.

---

J and I are discussing, through email, how I left him before. It seems he's still really hurt and very wary about me now... He wants to start anew, I want to end things.

It bugs me big-time that he still loves me. I mean, why in the world would someone love me like that? I'm not particularly kind-hearted and the truth is my humor is dry and sarcastic sometimes. So why? I don't get it and I hate him because I don't see what he sees in me...

I want to scream at him: 'Why me? What the hell do you see in me, that you would stay for such a long time?! Why do you insist on accepting all that I am, when I haven't accepted that myself?!'

I'm such a damn paradox. I get suicidally depressed when I'm left behind, but really pissed when someone like J chooses to stay. I don't understand at all.

Someone please make me understand the mechanics of his heart.

---

I'm going to Greenhills later to have my new phone unlocked. Last week I went, but the phone is so new that they didn't have to software to unlock it.

---

U was with me yesterday for lunch and dinner. She's another conundrum that I cannot get. Why does she love me as a friend so fiercely? I do not see anything in me worthy of such loyalty and love.

She's another J (albeit the fact that she would never want to get in my pants).

And so is the case with nearly all my closest friends.

I'm a self-appointed hermit, and I'm not particularly loving, or caring and I'm way too sensitive.

So, again, why?

---

Now, I'm beginning to realize that my self-esteem is too low for comfort...

I still see myself as fat, ugly and mean. =(